A number of years ago, someone wrote a set of “how General Authorities eat their Reese’s” that imitated their styles of speaking. I was introduced to these recently and thoroughly enjoyed them—so much so that I went ahead and wrote my own, working from common themes, statements, and famous quotes from past and present prophets, apostles, and other General Authorities. I have not intended to tear down or make a mockery of these honourable men as has been done with some spinoffs of this sort or to write any blasphemous text. It is just meant for good-humoured fun.
Joseph Smith: Thy mouth, O man! If thou wilt lead a soul unto eternal bliss, must stretch as high as the utmost heavens, and search into and contemplate the darkest chocolate, and the broad expanses of peanut butter—thou must consume a peanut butter cup.
Brigham Young: The worst fear I have about this people is that they will get rich in this country, wax fat, and go to hell. This people will stand mobbing, robbing, poverty, and all manner of persecution and be true. But my greatest fear is that they cannot stand the peanut butter cups. The Spirit whispers to me to call upon the Latter-day Saints to let peanut butter cups alone. I would rather have a piece of Johnny cake than a peanut butter cup. Let me have something that will sustain nature and leave my stomach and whole system clear to receive the Spirit of the Lord and be free from headache and pains of every kind. This is what the Spirit signifies through me.
John Taylor: The kingdom of Reeses or nothing.
Heber J. Grant: When I first tried to eat a Reeses, I was extremely slow. When I picked up a peanut butter cup the other boys would generally shout, “Eat it, sissy.” These remarks and others, while not made to hurt my feelings but in good-natured fun, nevertheless cut deep, and aroused within me a spirit of determination. I resolved to be the fastest eater of peanut butter cups in Utah, and I commenced to employ my spare time in practicing eating. At first, it took me minutes to eat a single peanut butter cup. I chewed one up a few weeks ago in three seconds. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do—not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased.”
Jeffrey R. Holland: In the spirit of the wonderful hymn “Lord Dismiss Us With Thy Blessings”—whose chorus has always sounded to me like “oh refreshments, oh refreshments” when sung at the end of certain gatherings of the Saints—I wish to speak rather candidly tonight about a certain, significant treat. Long ago, as Sister Holland and I visited a local grocery store, I spotted an orange wrapper near the checkout stand, which was quickly purchased. Now, no one in my family had ever tasted a Reese’s before this. For whatever reason, I was the first to taste a peanut butter cup. Having long since tasted this personification of happiness, as one of a thousand elements of my testimony of the goodness of God, I say: try one.
Tad R. Callister: Years ago my great-great-great-grandfather Richards picked up a peanut butter cup for the first time. He opened it and tasted it. He then declared “this snack was either created by God or the devil, and I am going to find out who made it.” He ate it through and then declared, “The devil could not have created it—it must be from God.” That is the genius of peanut butter cups—there is no middle ground. It is either the snack of God as professed, or it is a total fraud. If someone turns from these, where will he go to taste the goodness of peanut butter and chocolate? They are the one true and living snack upon the face of the whole earth.
David A. Bednar: My message focuses on the method of consuming a peanut butter cup. I pray that we will instructed and edified as I invite you to consider two experiences most of us have had with chocolate and peanut butter.…
Bruce R. McConkie: I have been sorely tempted to say at this point that any who would not eat a peanut butter cup have the intellect of an ant and the understanding of a clod of miry clay in a primordial swamp—but of course I would never say a thing like that.
Quentin L. Cook: When our children were small, my wife, Mary, and I literally decided that we would have peanut butter cups as our daily snacks. Now, we acknowledge that not everyone eats their peanut butter cups the same way, but, as one prominent writer recently stated, “there’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s,” so it needs to be taught and understood that we love and respect all people, regardless of how they eat their peanut butter cups.
Hugh B. Brown: I went out one morning and saw a peanut butter cup. It was very large, and was all chocolate and peanut butter. I was raised in Salt Lake before I went to Canada, and I knew what ought to happen to a peanut butter cup. So I went after it, and ate it until there was nothing left but a little clump of chocolate. It was just coming daylight, and I thought I saw on top of it what appeared to be a tear, and I thought the cup was crying. I looked at it, and smiled, and said, “Look, little peanut cup, I am the consumer here, and I know what I want you to be, and some day, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Consumer, for loving me enough to eat me. Thank you, Mr. Consumer.’”